I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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