he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
FUCK WHALES
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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