my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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