New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
