Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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