Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
