walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
