omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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