I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
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