So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
This toilet bowl is my home.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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