I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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