I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
