Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
