that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
