bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
