just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
