it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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