dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
