I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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