Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
