i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
