Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
