You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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