According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
