No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Randomize
