apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
