Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
