The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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