shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
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