do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
