I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
