made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
so much tequila, so little girl.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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