So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
