Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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