Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I think I sprained my soul last night
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
