I'm sorry my penis didn't work
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
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