life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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