i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
