After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
