We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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