last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
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This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
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Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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