i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
