apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
