My entire life is one complicated drinking game
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
