i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
