Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
