finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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