I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
