you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
