people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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