Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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