So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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