I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
