Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
