I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
