I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
