I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
