the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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