I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
